Golden Birthday!

I really thought today would go all right, almost like any other day. But it hasn’t. I’m having a hard time keeping on task.

Yesterday I thought that now that I have a blog, I’d post pictures and write about my twins. My big boys having their Golden Birthday today. They are 18 years old today, on the 18th of September.

Wow – is that selfish to wish they could celebrate it with us instead of our Father? I guess. Or just human.

Zechariah and Jacob were born at just 20 weeks. And back in 1989, even at the best neonatal hospital in the region, they weren’t able to keep them in me or keep them alive after birth. They lived about an hour. We held them the whole time. I guess it was a lot like numb stunned amazement.

Yep, I checked. Twenty little toes all lined up like matchsticks. Just like Dad’s, not like my crooked toes. Square ends.

And little boy parts too. I checked.

I regret that K didn’t get to see them and hold them. I regret that we didn’t have more time with them. I wish the grandparents could have seen them.

The hospital didn’t know all they do now about grieving parents. They took 3 Polaroid pictures for us. That type of picture fades quickly so I had negatives and prints made. These are the best two pictures. The boys’ skin looks dark because it is still so thin. Not fully developed yet. They had all their parts inside but the lungs weren’t hooked up to do the job yet.

While we held them, they made sucking movements with their mouths. Zechariah was born first and didn’t have as much anesthetic in him. He wrapped his tiny hand around my finger. Jacob didn’t move much because he was born some time later so would have been more drugged. Jacob had a rough entry into his short life when the doctor and all the nurses were out of the room, he landed in the pan. Poor P was holding Zechariah at the time and ran out to the hallway to call for a nurse to come.

I was moved to a surgery floor for that night so I didn’t have to be in L&D or the new moms unit. That was good. But on the surgery floor, it was like everyone knew my babies died and no one wanted to be near me or touch me. It was very lonely & sad. P had to make some arrangements with the funeral home the next morning. I wrote the obituary while I waited for him to come back to the hospital.

I went home that next day with empty arms. Still in shock.

We had a private graveside funeral a few days later. My mom & dad came from Ohio and helped a lot around the house. K asked lots of questions…. how hard to wrap an almost 4 year old mind around burying your brothers.

Happy Birthday Zechariah Robert & Jacob Lowell

September 18, 2007